(Daven’s Note:  I am  unsure as to the copyright status of this particular document, but I have contacted the author several times to request permission to reprint it here, but I have never gotten a response.  I hope that the author will contact me if they have a problem with it being reprinted here.)

Everything I Know About Romance I Learned From the Addams Family

Morticia: “Oh darling, do you remember the emotional roller coaster, the raging hormones, the constant heartache of our first love?”
Gomez: “Yes. Too bad we can’t relive that agony.”

Looking back, I realize that I have learned a great deal from television, much more than I ever did from parents, educators, scoutmasters, the church or even Willie the greasy transient behind the grocery store. Whenever I needed to know how to navigate through life’s stormy waters, television was there.

When I needed to know how to read, count and consider sock puppets as intellectual equals, there was Sesame Street, The Electric Company and ZOOM. Jeopardy, Family Feud and the $100,000 Pyramid helped fill in those gaps in my knowledge that grade school inexplicably skipped. The Price is Right taught me rudimentary economics and comparative shopping, while Emergency! helped me learn the vital importance of having a cool head and thousands of gallons of water under pressure.

And when I was casting about to find role models to show me how men and women should act together, how romantic love can best be expressed, how sweet love can be and how a couple can be far stronger than its component parts, where did I turn? To my parents, who, as best as I can recall, kissed each other in front of me exactly once (on their anniversary)? To the neighbors, who had a median age of 83? Ha! Off to the tube I went, but for the most part I was disappointed. In the morning all the husbands were cads, scoundrels or evil twins, married to hopelessly naive wives or fooling around with backbiting witches. In the evenings all the wives were either scatterbrained idiots with patient husbands or they were sensible sufferers with stumbling spouses. Sure, there was Pa Walton, but I could hardly see myself asking him why my wee-wee got stiff. Where were my role models?

They were waiting patiently, in syndication. The original Addams Family television show ran from 1964 to 1966, a bit early for me, but I caught all the reruns and they changed me forever. Just imagine a child from a very non-demonstrative family being exposed to Gomez and Morticia for the first time. Finally, people that might have actually produced their own children! I won’t take the time here to go into Addams Family history, but I would like to pass on the lessons I learned from these legendary lovers.

You can keep the fire in your relationship if you keep stokin’ it

Gomez: “Remember how I carried you over the threshold that first time?”
Morticia: “Not just over the threshold. Into the living room, up the stairs and into our bedroom.”
Gomez: “And out the window and into the cemetery.”
Morticia: “I was unconscious.”
Gomez: “Covered in dirt and decay. Oh ‘Tish, let’s go to the cemetery and resurrect that magical moment.”

In matters of the heart, you can never go far enough over the top. Don’t suppress your feelings, hide your passions, or wait until the “right time”. Gomez’ hot-blooded passion is legendary, and there was never a time so fraught with activity that he wasn’t ready to drop everything, often literally, to ravish his wife. Obviously a man with his priorities in order. No matter what he was doing, you always knew that there were untold depths of passion simmering just below the surface. Theirs was the first fiery romance ever seen on television, although they weren’t the first TV couple to be shown in the same bed. That honor went to The Munsters. Go figure.

Gomez: “Tish, how long has it been since we waltzed?”
Morticia: “Oh, Gomez. Hours.”

On a personal level, I have been known to sing improvised operatic love songs across the house and break into the “I Love You Desperately” jig in the mall (oddly enough, the “I Love You Desperately” jig is strikingly similar to my “I’d Sure Like a Blowjob” interpretative dance, but she seems to be able to tell the difference). The greatest gift you can offer your lover is proof that they are everything to you and that their very existence makes your eyes light up and your blood race. Or whatever. Sure, she’ll appreciate the diamond, but she’ll remember the time you woke her up at 3 am for a surprise picnic in the bedroom, complete with dessert and frisbee.

Seize the day, by the throat if necessary

Morticia: “Gomez.”
Gomez: “Querrida.”
Morticia: “Last night you were, …unhinged. You were like some desperate, howling demon. You frightened me.    Do it again.”

Love is not something to save until you can duck into the bedroom, away from prying eyes.
Love is not something to keep quiet and cold.
Love is not something to hide from your friends or co-workers in fear that they may think less of you if they see how weak you become in the presence of your lover.
Lasting love demands expression at every moment, even during PTA meetings, emergency room visits and arraignments. What do you care what anyone else thinks? Do they hold your heart? Do they set your mind ablaze with their smile and their devilish eyes? Do they look as good in manacles? I think not!

Wednesday: “Why can’t we have parents who don’t like each other – like all our friends.”
Pugsley: “Yeah. Some kids get all the breaks.”

And never hide your passion from your children. There are few things more guaranteed to give your kids a sense of peace and security than to know that their parents still love each other deeply, and frequently. Although you may want to keep the leather straps in a locked container.

Embrace variety

Morticia: “Don’t torture yourself, Gomez. That’s my job.”

Passionate love takes many forms, why limit yourself to just one? It very well be true that your preferences lean towards vanilla sex, and more power to you, but it never hurts to investigate the alternatives a bit. Why not see what happens when you strap her down, kiss her lovingly, and start heating up the poker? You may be surprised what gets you hot – tight clothes, handcuffs, graveyards, disembodied hands…

Morticia: “So, you still desire me? The old ball and chain?”
Gomez: “Forever!”
Morticia: “I’ll get them.”

Your lover may discover heretofore unsuspected attractions to fire, pitchforks, or even an uncontrollable physical reaction to foreign languages and bullfrog noises. How tragic it would be to live your life without ever once tasting such splendors! Open your mind and give it a try! Please be sure to observe all safe sex procedures – condoms, dental dams, sharp edges, oiled anchor chains…

This attitude extends itself towards a general acceptance to pretty much everything. You could never imagine any member of the Addams Family being prejudiced against anyone just because of their color, gender, religious preference, sexual orientation or the current state of their mortality. They accepted anyone that walked in their door, no matter how bizarre or mundane, with delight and glee. And The Addams Family was my first taste of gender equality; not only was Morticia a fully equal part of the household, but she was a better fencer.

Relationships are hard to kill, even with a chainsaw

Gomez: “Never go to bed angry, or on fire.”

I learned a lot of things from The Addams Family, and some of the most important involved how to be a man and how to treat a lady. Gomez was the consummate gentleman. Unfailingly polite, never less than courteous, he carried himself proudly and spoke his mind. He kept himself fit, he was always impeccably dressed, and he loved his family with a frightening intensity. Sure, there was the occasional hint of prior atrocities, but what fascinating man doesn’t have a few minor peccadilloes in his mysterious past?

Wednesday: “Why are men so predictable?”
Morticia: “Because it makes it easier for us to control them”

And Morticia. Hauntingly lovely, a perfect lady to her bones. There was never a doubt that she was the mistress of her own future. My wife remembers watching the show as a child and noticing Morticia’s poise and grace, and she credits Morticia’s utter calm, low-lidded smile during Gomez’s uncontrollable French attacks as her first lesson in how easily men can be handled. She is also strongly protective of her loved ones, and even the occasional death in the family only serves to draw her and Gomez even closer together, often as primary suspects.

They support each other utterly, they are confidants and friends, and they even share fashion preferences. I have been fortunate in that regard myself – if I came home and announced I had bought a trampoline for the living room my good lady wife would immediately start moving the couch, no questions asked.

Gomez and Morticia Addams are a joy to watch, a thin veneer of formal manners stretched thin over lusty devotion. I sincerely hope that I can attain the same level of style sometime before I die. Or, possibly, immediately afterwards.